Well, things have significantly calmed down since last week. Right after the return from Arkansas we had to have another intervention - apparently my brother is acting like a typical 17 year old and Mom is at her wit's end with him. I hope that this downward idiot spiral will start to spiral up but I honestly think men stay idiots until late in their 20's and if you ask any man in his 30's, they will agree.

Still waiting on a birthday present from my husband but I am told it's on the way. I secretly hope it's the diamond bracelet at Zachary's but but I also hope he doesn't spend that much money on a gift when we have so much work to do on the house.

I feel like I am back in the land of the living. I know what day and what day of the week it is and I have had a chance to be home. We raked leaves Saturday and the exercise mixed with being outside on a beautiful uncanny warm day in January was just what the doctor ordered. We capped off the night with 2 stunning filets from Whole Foods and a game of rummy. It was a perfect weekend.

Wierd Travel Vortex

I am in a weird haze of travel induced dementia. I’m not even really sure about the day of the week or date. I know that February is incredibly close and somehow January totally disappeared.

The last thing I remember was that Rob got a call that his father was in critical shape. I am pretty sure that was Thursday Jan 12 th. I was at work on Friday the 13th and had a flight that pm to Raleigh for Chelles’ shower. Wait – that’s where it all starts. Friday the 13th. I should have seen that one coming.

While at work on the 13th Rob and I decided to fly to Boston on Sunday the 15th , so when I flew for Raleigh to BWI on Sunday the 15th I just stayed at the airport. Fortunately Rob was able to pack a few sweaters coats and clean boodongas for me since I was packed for the balmy Southern weather.

The shower was a blast, I got to see all of Rachelles friends and spend time with Kev. She is so pregnant and cute, it’s overwhelming. They shared some baby names with me and I was incredibly flattered that they felt comfortable telling me the secret names they had not told another soul on the planet; Cryin Ryan O’Brien – just kidding….. The shower was a surprise so Kev told Chelle that I was on business travel and had a layover in Raleigh to justify my being there. I went along with the lie and told her I was coming home from Pine Bluff because it was a lie that could easily be reality. HA

The trip to Boston was definitely the Yin to the showers Yang. Rob’s dad was in horrible shape, I did not know that people can survive on only 3 or so breaths per minute. He did not last long in that shape but at least Rob had family around him for the event. It was profoundly sad but almost a relief to know that Lloyd was not in pain or in that horrible incoherent limbo of being barely there. As we were leaving the hospital an interesting thing happened. I felt the finality of never seeing him again and my emotions were starting to get away from me and then the fire alarm went off. I felt like it was some kind of explanation point to the last time Rob and his father would be together. When I told G that she reminded me of when Poppa died and the garage door slammed. I know that they are coincidences but I also like to think that there is something behind them.

At some point during all this I had a birthday - not much of one but it was there none the less. I got myself a massage for my birthday the day after Lloyd died and that did the trick. While in Raleigh, Kevin gave me a little bottle of the Cap’n and a gift card so I at least got a presnid. The bottle came in particularly handy in Cambridge. Another saving grace was the hotel had a Starbizzy in the lobby and a whole foods and liquor store next door. We found a bottle of Elu’ by St Suprey which is our favorite vineyard and wine from our honeymoon so that felt like a little bit of a comfort and felt like a birthday special.

As we were packing and checking out on Wednesday the 18th we got the call that the funeral service would be on Saturday the 21st. Part of me thought we should have stayed in Cambridge and the other ½ desperately wanted to get home. Rob wanted to get home too, thank God. We got 2 weird hazy days at home to decompress a little bit before Saturday the marathon flying day. Rob spent most of his time sleeping, poor fella.

I worked from home on Thursday and that was a great way to ease back into the real world but when I got to work on Friday I was given some really bad news. We have to lay off a large chunk of staff in ….. Pine Bluff Arkansas! My lie from some time in the past! . I pleaded for some mercy so we flew out on Monday. HA! Some mercy, give me a break.

We were fortunate, the travel gods smiled upon us for the trip to the Cape on Saturday the 18th. We took the first flight up and the last flight home. No delays, no traffic and flights that arrived EARLY! We had talked about what we want when we die, burial vs cremation and on the way I voted burial and Rob voted cremation. Now that the event is behind us I think we are both on the same page with the burial. We felt like there was really no kind of closure or saying goodbye. The event seemed empty. Maybe it felt empty because Rob didn’t have a lot of family there but I think it was empty because there was nothing to say goodbye to. Just a flag, 2 candles and 4 bouquets.

Well, I am sitting on a plane en route to Pine Bluff. I got up this morning at 5:00 am and originally will get home tomorrow at 11:30 pm. It’s actually a relief since they indicated they wanted me to stay until Friday. I am happy to get home tomorrow, it’s ironic, when we were traveling to Boston the first time I kept thinking (jokingly) that I will be able to relax in February, never truly realizing how true that is. February is this week…. I think … and maybe I will get a chance to relax next week. Maybe we can even celebrate a birthday if I don’t have a total melt down or shut down on this trip.

Wedding, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Birthday

Wedding, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Birthday - I am feeling a bit weird lately and I think it's the post wedding, thanksgiving, Christmas, new year crash. I am not even excited about the birthday. I am actually mad at my birthday. Why is it at such a time when all I really need is to relax a little bit. Stupid birthday. I suppose I have some sour grapes too, I wanted to start the birthday celebration and I am the only one who is buying into the idea.

Maybe I am tired of watching my husband miserable with a toothache. I can't imagine what life was like before medicine. Toothaches make you crazy insane with pain. I'll bet people with toothaches counted for more then one heretic back in the day.

HST

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes.
Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production.
Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is, are the ones who have gone over."

I loved Hunter S Thompson. He is one of my top 5 favorite authors. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is my all time favorite book. I just ordered a documentary about him. I was thinking about when I saw him do a reading in Baltimore back in the early 90's. 1992 maybe? It was at a tiny club and it was not as crowded as I thought it should have been. HST was 2 hours late and the rumor was that he was at a bar next door drinking. When he finally did show up he walked on to the stance and proceeded to know down the table, fan, chair and anything else that got in his way. He started into his diatribe but was slurring so badly I was beginnning to think I had wasted my money but he eventually got into his groove and the show was awesome.

Not long after his death I read an article that said he faked being drunk at those spoken word dates, and I laughed becuase he got me. The joke was on me.

Well, this is the year I get pregnant.
This is the year we refinish the attic.
This is the year we re-do the kitchen.
This is a big year.
Nothing is going to be recognizable this time next year.

I was a little sad to see Finn go home. Last night when Rob and I got home there was only one monkey happy to see us. For the past week, there was a huge production every time we got home.